Aging Jokes ( Page 1 of 4 )

Aging jokes

To my friend’s astonishment, a police car pulled up to her house and her elderly grand-father got out. The patrolman explained that the old gentleman had been lost in the city park and had asked for help.
"Why, Grandfather," my friend said, "you’ve been going there for 40 years. How could you get lost?"
The old man smiled slyly. "Wasn’t exactly lost," he admitted. "I just got tired of walking."

Kids Jokes
Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other,
“Are you a little girl or a little boy?”
“I don’t know,” replied the other baby giggling.”What do you mean, you don’t know?” said the first baby.
“I mean I don’t know how to tell the difference,” was the reply.
Well, I do,” said the first baby chuckling. “I’ll climb into your crib and find out.”
He carefully climbed himself into the other baby’s crib and then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
“You’re a little girl, and I’m a little boy,” he said proudly.
“You’re ever so clever,” cooed the baby girl, “but how can you tell?”
“It’s quite easy really,” replied the baby boy, “You’ve got pink socks and I’ve got blue ones.”

Marriage Jokes
Complaining About the Food
Two women were discussing marriage, and one said, "We've been married twenty-five years, and every night my husband has complained about the food. Not one night without complaining about the food."
The other woman said, "That's awful. Doesn't it bother you?"
The first one said, "Not in the slightest."
Said the other woman, "You must be a saint!"
To which, the first woman replied, "No. Why should I object? Many people don't like the food they cook."

School Jokes
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray,
 “Take only one. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, “Take all you want.
God is watching the apples.”

Animal Jokes
A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football.
During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning.
But during the second half, a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game.
When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede,
“Where were you during the first half?”
He replied “Putting on my shoes!”

 

A rich farmer

A rich farmer had been trying desperately to marry off his daughters. One day he met Nasir.

"I have several daughters," the farmer told the Nasir.

"I would like to see them comfortably fixed. And I will say this, they won't go to their husbands without a little bit in the bank, either. The youngest one is twenty-three and she will take Rupees 25,000 with her. The next one is thirty-two, and she will take Rupees 50,000 with her. Another is forty-three and she will take Rupees 75,000 with her."

"That's interesting," said Nasir.

"I was just wondering if you have one about fifty years old."

 

Antidotes for workaholics

If u feel overloaded with Work Immediately go to to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR) center & place order for any one or more of the following Antidotes.

1: Work Isolating Neutralizing Extract (WINE)

2: Radioactive Un-work Medicine (RUM)

3: Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER)

4: Vaccino Officio Depression Killing Antigen (VODKA)

This is issued in public interest by "Buddies for Eradication of Work Disease Association (BEWDA)...

 

William's wife getting forgetful

Being the concerned wife, she convinced him to see a doctor. William was a little worried when the doctor came in. Sensing his patient's nervousness, the first thing the doctor did was to ask what was troubling him.

"Well," William answered. "I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there, if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor thought for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Please pay me in advance."

 

The Woes of Aging

The day after visiting a fair, my wife was in agony. "You know you’re past your prime," she said, "when you hurt all over and all you rode was the massage chair."

 

Memoriam

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”“But Larry’s still alive.”“I know, but his hair is gone.”

 

Card Buddies

Two elderly ladies had been friends since their 30s. Now in their 80s, they still got together a couple of times a week to play cards. One day they were playing gin rummy and one of them said, "You know, we’ve been friends for many years and, please don't get mad, but for the life of me, I can't remember your name. Please tell me what it is."

Her friend glared at her. She continued to glare and stare at her for at least three minutes. Finally, she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

 

Three Sisters

Three elderly sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, shared a house together. One evening, the 96 year old sister went upstairs to take a bath. As she put her foot into the tub, she paused. Then she yelled down to the other two sisters and asked, "Was I getting in the tub or out?"

"You dern fool," said the 94 year old. "I'll come up and see." When she got half way up the stairs she paused. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old sister was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea and thought, "I hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She shook her head and called out, "I'll be up to help you both as soon as I see who's at the door."

 

New Words

There are over a million words in the English language, but we can always use more. Here are some that wordsmiths contributed to the Merriam-Webster Open Dictionary website:

Epiphunny (noun): The moment of sudden revelation when one gets the joke.

 

Renters' Excuses

Rating: 2.0/5

No one likes coughing up rent. But at least these tenants gave landlords creative reasons for avoiding it.

"With my daughter's graduation, our new boat, and our trip to Europe this year, we're a little strapped."

"I'm getting real tired of paying this rent every month! You'll have to wait a few more days."

"We're a little short right now. But don't worry—we're getting a refund on my wife's tattoo. The artist messed it up, and we're getting back most of the bucks!"

"I didn't pay the rent because I'm saving up to move."

"It's your fault the check bounced. Why didn't you tell me you were going to run to the bank the very same day!"

 

Consulting the Experts

Rating: 2/5

The computer in my high school classroom was acting up. After watching me struggle with it, a student explained that my hard drive had crashed. So I called IT. "Can someone look at my computer?"

I asked. "The hard drive crashed."

"We can't just send people down on your say-so," said the specialist. "How do you know that's the problem?"

"A student told me."

"We'll send someone right over."

 

A Dime a Dozen

Rating: 3/5

While visiting a retirement community, my wife and I decided to do some shopping and soon became separated.

"Excuse me," I said, approaching a clerk. "I'm looking for my wife. She has white hair and is wearing white shoes."

Gesturing around the store, the clerk responded, "Take your pick."